Another day another dump, newspaper in hand…
It appears some bloke in Canada has been released from jail early cos he’s too fat for his cell…
Seems that “Big Mike” was such a lard-cake (came in at 375lbs and released but not exactly “free to fly” at 450lbs) that he was escaping gradually anyway, by seeping slowly through the bars, one bit of lard at a time.
Apparently he was now deemed “too fat” to lie comfortably on his prison bed or sit comfortably on his cell’s only chair. Of course it’s obviously all about “comfort” prison… Continue reading »
Help!
Am caught in a vortex in a space/time continuum-ummumm-er, thing, in an extra large Wheeliebin just outside of Twatt in the Orkney Islands…arse…
It appears me bin has only gawn and attempted to land itself arse-over-tit in the “Burn of Twatt”: A river inlet feeding, erm, naturally – and as it would – the hamlet of Twatt…
Not sure I’m making any sense – but call out the AA (or wo’eva the arse over tit bin equivelant is) ASAP…
Stan T
P.S Just one quick question to the good Burghurs of Twatt: If you’ve got cistitus – would it be harmful at all, if you took a bit of dip in the “Burn of Twatt”? Just thought I’d ask and best to check…
Saw that new Bond Film – “Quantum of Solace” – on bincam on Saturday…
And not that I’m one to accessorise or anything but quite fancy a pair of those sunglasses that that Daniel Craig starts wearing as James Bond when he arrives at that Johnny Mathis blokes’ house/villa…
And what are the chances ey? That Mathis character only goes and ends up (dead) tits up in an extra large Wheeliebin doesn’t he?
Note to self: Ask that Daniel Craig on Facebook if he could send me a pair of those specs…
Stan T
Continuing to enjoy ball-aching “Quantities of Solitude” caught in a vortex in an extra large wheeliebin, as I seek the Holy Grail of comedy: Only the World’s funniest joke will finally set me free (and I’m definitely not dead yet – at least I wasn’t last time I checked…)
“The name’s Trolley. Stan Trolley…”
Shaken, but not completely barking mad…
Quantum of Solace. What’s all that about then?
Not so much “Quantum of Solace” in my case. More like “Quantities of Solitude”…huge ball-aching periods of it at that…
Fuck me I’m lonely. Not all glamour being caught in a vortex in an extra large Wheeliebin, you know. If only I can just find that one killer joke, all this pain of the last 12 years will be over. I’ll finally be free…
“Send me some fuckin’ material over here…”
My name’s Stan Trolley – and I’m a joke-a-holic.
Stan
(I do look a bit like Daniel Craig in the half light…when it’s pitch black mostly)
“Come in Cyberspace. Come in Cyberspace….
Stan Trolley here…
Help! I’m caught in a vortex in an extra large Wheeliebin. I seek the Holy Grail of comedy: Only the Worlds’ funniest joke will finally set me free…
I need your jokes…sharpish…
…Hello?
Help!
Is anybody out there?
Hello?
“Send me some fuckin’ material over here…”
Your jokes wanted, sharpish…
Hello?”
(deafening silence – except for a bit of tinitus emanating from my knob)
Do you know what? I feel like that Will Smith bloke in that film…You know the one: “I am Legend”…
Only I’ve got a smelly rat for company rather than a dog…
I too am a Legend you know…
Stan Trolley
“I am Legend”…
(of course that could be “bell-end”)
Talk to me someone…I’m lonely
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